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Dec 08 - SpicaBooks.Com/Fun.html
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Golf A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered" ---------------------------------------------- A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8 iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down." ---------------------------------------------- Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective! asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five." ---------------------------------------------- A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer"? To which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" ----------------------------------------------- The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" |
Q1
- WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A - It's Braille for
"suck here".
Q2 - WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN
KISS?
A - It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under".
Q3
- WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A - Melt them down, make a tire, and
call it a Goodyear.
Q4 - WHY ARE HURRICANES
NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A - Because when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q5
- WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A - Because
they don't have any balls to scratch.
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Financial Savvy Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to use this Logic: A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager declares. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager remains unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have." |
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*
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: |
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one. |
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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now, we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So, the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" |
| 1. Phone answering machine message
- "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm
for shorts. 3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. 6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off". 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." 11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds Like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." 12. A man takes his Rottweiler
to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks
the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start." 14. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom! 15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. So, I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' 17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. 18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!" 19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." 21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" 22. Poland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. |
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EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows XP, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do
not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could
do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) |
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ONLY IN AMERICA 1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America...... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat." "When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog." |
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so
he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers". |
Three men who were lost in the forset were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit. So all three men went seperate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt or you will be eaten." The first apple went in. . . but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy enough. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples." |
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A - When the big hand touches the little hand.
A: Cows with short legs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12 Jul 01, Reuters Strasbourg, France - More than 70 garden gnomes were found on the steps of a cathedral in northeastern France after an undercover operation by the shadowy Garden Gnome Liberation Front, a regional newspaper said on Thursday. The kitsch creatures had been abducted from their green, floral homes and assembled on the steps of the cathedral in the town of Saint-Die, La Liberte de l'Est reported. A banner of the Gnome Liberation Front, which aims to "free" gnomes and "return them to the wild," was found at the scene. Local police who gathered the little statues declined to comment to journalists in an effort to contain what appeared to be a spiraling of gnome abductions in the area. This is the second covert operation by the Front in as many days. Motorists in eastern France were surprised to find more than 100 gnomes, snow whites and other gaudy garden statues on a roundabout on Wednesday. Some were arranged to spell out "Free the Gnomes."
12 Jul 01, Reuters Strasbourg, France - More than 100 garden gnomes and other gaudy statues were discovered on Wednesday assembled on a traffic circle in eastern France, a police spokesman said. Some of the statues were set up to spell out "Free the Gnomes." No one claimed immediate responsibility for the stunt, but police said it bore all the hallmarks of the shadowy Garden Gnome Liberation Front. The kitsch little creatures were reported stolen from numerous gardens around the town of Chavelot overnight and subsequently gathered together on the roundabout. "It was a bit like a giant creche. Everything had been carefully set up," a police spokesman said. The Gnome Liberation Front rose to prominence in the mid- 1990s following a series of raids on gardens to "free" gnomes and "return them to the wild." The group suffered a setback in 1997 when a court handed its ringleader a suspended prison sentence and fined him for his part in the disappearance of some 150 gnomes. After briefly going to ground, the Front hit the headlines again in 1998 when it staged a mass "suicide" of gnomes in eastern France. Last year, the group struck Paris, stealing around 20 gnomes during a night raid on a Paris garden exhibition.
by Ann Richards (former Democratic Governor of Texas) 1 - You have to believe that America's 8-year prosperity under President Bill Clinton was really due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault. 2 - You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own. 3 - You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time. 4 - You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs. 5 - You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun. 6 - You have to believe everything Rush Limbaugh says. 7 - You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor. 8 - You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty. 9 - You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes. 10 - You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit. 11 - You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha. 12 - You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands. 13 - You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio. 14 - You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. 15 - You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, auto manufacturer, or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out. 16 - You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. 17 - You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads. 18 - You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
1 - I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2 - Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3 - Hey, you must have been doing about 125 to keep up with me. Good job!! 4 - Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 5 - I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 6 - Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? 7 - Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so long as one of us does. 8 - I was trying to keep up with the traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are. 9 - Can you give me another of those full cavity searches? 10 - I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school first. 11 - You're not going to check the trunk, are you? 12 - Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonalds? 13 - Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum. 14 - Well, I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, and my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 15 - What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
1 - The president is not in his/her office at this time. Please leave your number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. 2 - Thanks for calling the psychic hotline. I'm not in my office right now, but leave your number and what you think of when you hear the following: orange, mother, unicorn. Also, leave me a brief history of your childhood. Thank you. 3 - Hi, this is YOUR NAME's refrigerator. The answering machine eloped with the tape deck so this is my job for a while. Leave a message and I'll stick it to myself so that YOUR NAME receives it promptly. 4 - This is you know who, I'm you know where, leave your you know what, you know when. 5 - Hi, now you say something. 6 - This is not the pizza place, so please do not leave an order or Luigi will come after you again. Jeez! 7 - YOUR NAME's palace of pleasure. If you are a man/woman, leave your phone number and a brief description of yourself.
Q - Do you know why I like being a mortician? A - I like working with people.
You know 2 or more people with "concrete proof" that the Pentagon is covering up: Roswell, the Kennedy assassination, the CIA's role in creating AIDS. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember. You've ever owned a VW bug or ridden in a Microbus. You own something that says Dukakis for President, and still display it. You believe it because "Dan Rather wouldn't lie about something this important". You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..." You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "is a victim of Draconian budget cuts." You've ever argued that with just 1 more year of welfare that person will turn it around and get off drugs. You think Lennon was a brilliant social commentator. You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category. You are outraged that Baseball Players make millions and the poor clerk at the unemployment office only makes 28 bucks an hour doing such good work. You believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of church and state. You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree. You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does. You think that Al Gore macharena thing was a laugh riot. You feel that Greenpeace is misunderstood. You keep your PC dictionary with you at all times so as not to offend. You think communism will catch on once society has evolved. You've tried to argue in favor of anything based on "Well, they're gonna do it anyway, so....". You've ever stated "How does what he does in his personal life have any bearing on doing his job?" You don't understand all the commotion about Whitewater, Vince Foster, selling US foreign policy for campaign contributions, it's just politics, right?
Good:
Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Copyright 1997-9 by Andrew Homer ... if you think platitude is the name of a Greek philosopher. ... if you bought after-life insurance. ... if you think the phrase "Muslim feminist" is valid. ... if you spent $14.95 for a book titled "Astral Travel on $5 a Day." ... if you entered a contest where 1st prize was one week in Altus, Oklahoma and 2nd prize was two weeks in Altus, Oklahoma. ... if you believed your shaman when he hold you that your "power animal" was the Everready bunny. ... if you think the term "green movement" refers to pond scum. ... if you called Our Sisters of Mercy for a good time. ... if you think the word bodacious is a Sanskrit term. ... if you spent your life savings to open the world's first UFO wash. ...
if you bought a six-pack of Y2K computer bug spray. ... if you think the 1947 crash near Roswell was a weather balloon with crash test dummies onboard.
Copyright
1997 by Andrew Homer
If
the enemy is in range, so are you.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
"Going
to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes
you a hamburger."
"Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
Some
children share their wisdom on marriage: "No
person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides
it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." - Kirsten, age 10
at Thanksgiving, but Aren't... "Whew, that's one terrific spread!" "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat." "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist." "Talk about a huge breast!" "It's Cool Whip time!" "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!" "Are you ready for seconds yet?" "Are you going to come again next time?" "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?" "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!" "Don't play with your meat." "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in." "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?" "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!" "You still have a little bit on your chin." "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it." "How long will it take after you stick it in?" "You'll know it's ready when it pops up." "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!" "How many are coming?" "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!" "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest." "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
We've
all seen those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where
:) means a smile and :( denotes a frown. Sometimes, these are represented by :-)
and :-( respectively.
(_!_) a regular butt
Here at Fanta Se Fun, what we want to know is: how did that material escape? |
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