18 Dec 08 - StarHeart.US/Fun_Job.html - Fun If Work Was Meant To Be Fun, It Wouldn't Be Called Work
	* Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven Terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Ass-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description for the seventh cell member, Bin Workin has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doing. Signed: Bin Thinkin
	Subject: Government Work We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, this Saturday at 4 PM et all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. Since the Taliban does not approve of alcohol, 2 cold 6-packs at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
	Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era * Plagiarism saves time. * If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. * Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. * Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. * Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. * A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. * The beatings will continue until morale improves. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * We waste time, so you don't have to. * Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! * Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. * A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. * When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. * Succeed in spite of management. * Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. * Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
	Top 9 Signs the Company You Work for Is Going Under 1 - They start paying everyone in sea shells. 2 - The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover. 3 - When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably. 4 - The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!" 5 - The initials of your company are "G.M." 6 - Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm. 7 - Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself. 8 - Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires. 9 - You get a lot of memos in Japanese. Employer's Lingo 1 - COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. 2 - JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM: We have no time to train you. 3 - CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. 4 - MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. 5 - SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend. 6 - DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around. 7 - MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control. 8 - CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). 9 - APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. 10 - NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. 11 - SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. 12 - PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. 13 - REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. 14 - GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
	Things Not To Say Or Do At A Job Interview, Part Two 1 - See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 2 - Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 3 - Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 4 - After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 5 - Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 6 - Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for- '2000 Flushes' 7 - Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 8 - Allow that you would have little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 9 - Although parking is free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
	Things Not To Say Or Do At A Job Interview, Part One 1 - Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up. 2 - Ask secretary if she'll sit on your lap during interview. 3 - Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.' 4 - When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout, "You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?", and run out of the room. 5 - Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 6 - Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
	This is deadly serious, so don't ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national internet system. Beware of... The ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting) The CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory) The BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy) The LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did) The RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored) The MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) The OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb) The JACK KEVORKIAN virus... (Deletes all old files) The ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted) The PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care) The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves some, but will be back) ...and personal favorite of many... The LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)
	Back to Fanta Se Fun.