18 Dec 08 - SpicaBooks.Com/Fun_Lawyers.html Who Loves a Lawyer?
	What's there not to love about Boston Legal? The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ___________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _______________ __________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ____________________________________ ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. _________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the n ext morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! _____________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: &nb sp; ; None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ___________________________ ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WIT N ESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ________________________ ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _______________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY : Are you qualifi ed to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? _ _____________________________________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Q - What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A - Your Honor. Q - At the cemetary, why are lawyers buried 100 feet down? A - Because down deep lawyers are good people. Q - What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? A - Wingtips. Q - What's the difference between a skunk laying in the road and a lawyer laying in the road? A - The skid marks in front of the skunk. Q - How cold was it at the courthouse yesterday? A - It was so cold a lawyer had his hands in his own pockets. Q - Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach? A - The cats keep covering them up with sand. Q - What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A - Not enough sand. Q - What do you call a bus full of lawyers going off a cliff with one empty seat? A - A shame. Q - What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A - One's a bottom-feeding scum sucker, and the other's a fish. Q - Why do lawyers hate lawyer jokes? A - Because 98% of lawyers are giving the other 2% a bad name. A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?” The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.” The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.” Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?” "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?" The priest arrives in heaven and looks at his modest dwelling, then gazes in awe at the mansion on the hill. "Who is so deserving?" he asks. A voice above responds, "He is our only lawyer..." Q - What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead snake in the middle of the road? A - The dead snake has skid marks in front of it. Q - Why don't lawyers have hemmorhoids? A - Because they're perfect assholes. Q - What is a criminal lawyer? A - Redundant. Q - Why don't lawyers get eaten by sharks? A - Professional courtesy. Q - How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A - Two. One to screw it in and one to sue the manufacturer. Q - What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A - A rooster clucks defiance. Q - What does a lawyer name his daughter? A - Sue. Q - Why can't lawyers be circumcised? A - Because there's no end to those pricks. Q - What do you call a female lawyer who moonlights as a hooker? A - A prostituting attorney. Q - What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A - At least the hooker will kiss you while you're being fucked.
	A Virgin? A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
	An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here. " Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
	If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's. If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer? How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly! Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer. Twice. What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand. Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on. A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again." Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying,"Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer." What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion. A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite." What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn. Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice. A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared. "For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes,every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for." First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?" "I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish. The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney." What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

	In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now." A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers. What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement. Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time." Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you slice them. Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit. Question: Who hits the bay first? Answer: Who cares?! A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it's lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk atleast 200 people. A bystander asks the man, "What's going on?" "My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral," is the reply. "Could I borrow your lion?" asks the bystander. "I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten." "Sorry, but you'll have to get at the end of that line," said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin. "Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers." "Well,"replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet." A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over. "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked. "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer. Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door." What's the difference between a shame and a pity? If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors,that's known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good,or when there was a chance a dollar could be made. When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint. The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!" Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer." Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for? How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough. "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." -- William Shakespeare How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
	Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
	A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10 Braised Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."
	Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research? Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings. Response: C'mon Guys! That's only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats: 1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.) 2. They are easier to train. 3. Researchers don't get attached to them. (You got this one, too.) 4. There are some things a rat won't do.
	One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question. To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate. Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn't really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
	First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
	Q - Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)? A - Because deep down they're not such bad guys.
	Q - Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey have the most toxic dumps? A - New Jersey had first pick.
	Q - What does a sperm and a lawyer have in common? A - A one-out-of-a-million chance of becoming human.
	Q - What's the difference between a flounder and a lawyer? A - One is a scum sucker bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
	Q - What's brown and black and always looks good on a lawyer? A - A Doberman.
	Q - What do you call 100 dead lawyers on the bottom of the sea? A - A good start.
	A Blonde And A Lawyer... A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game, but the blonde, being tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you." and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. Text humor contributed by Sheri Jahn.
	An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
	Future Issues: Filing Crusty Briefs, Composting Torts, 101 Uses for a Dead Lawyer. Back to Fanta Se Fun.