SpicaBooks.Com/Fun_Rednecks.html - StarHeart's Fanta Se Fun with Rednecks

Q - How do you stump an American Republican or a British Conservative?

A- Use the phrase "civil liberties" in a sentence.

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

Rednecks Say the Darnest Things

* How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

* Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

* Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

* How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

* How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

* Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

* If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

* What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

* I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

* Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

* Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

* Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

* In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

* Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

* A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

* Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son.

* A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

	18 Dec 08 - SpicaBooks.Com/Fun_Rednecks.html *Rednecks & Red States*
	Q - How do you stump an American Republican or a British Conservative? A- Use the phrase "civil liberties" in a sentence. In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?" Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled. "That sounds wonderful," said Jed. "Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us." "Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?" "Baaaaa..." *Rednecks Say the Darnest Things* * How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you. * Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. * Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. * How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." * How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. * Why do men break wind more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. * If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. * What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. * I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. * I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. * Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. * Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. * Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" * In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. * Why do men die before their wives? They want to. * A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." * Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. * A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." * The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. * Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
	*You're in a Redneck Church If ...* * People ask, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish was bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. * The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," ...and then five guys and two women stand up. * Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. * A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck 'cause.... "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink" is the favorite wine for Communion. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "brandin' the little feller". There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. Finding and returning lost sheep ain't just a Parable. High notes on the church organ sets the hound dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
	*Things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say* from the Internet * Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? * Do you think my gut is too big? * I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. * Honey, we don't need another dog. * Who gives a crap who won the Civil War? * Give me the small bag of pork rinds. * Too many deer heads detract from the decor. * Spittin' is such a nasty habit. * I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. * Checkmate. * She's too young to be wearing a bikini. * Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? * Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. * I don't have a favorite college team. * Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side. * You ALL. * Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla. * Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight. ~ ~ ~ * Trim the fat off that steak. * Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso. * The tires on that truck are too big. * I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad. * I've got it all on the C drive. * Unsweetened tea tastes better. * Would you like your fish poached or broiled? * My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's. * I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl. * Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
	*Things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say* copyright 2000-1 by Andrew Homer Tofu or tempeh? Is my butt crack showing? I hope Nader will win this time. Heh, how about those Mummenshanz and Circus du Soliel? *Got the tickets for CATS?* Is it me or are the network news avoiding telling us about our loss of national sovreignty because of international agreements as NAFTA and the WTO? ISDN or DSL? Pentium 4 or AMD Athlion? So, don't you think America should have 4 or 6 real political parties as in western Europe? Grey Poupon and Grewurtztraminer? Have you noticed the Euro is sliding, again? Jesus would approve of publicly funded healthcare, wouldn't he? My other truck is a ten-speed bicycle. Want me to help you recycle your old newspapers? When does Fireline come on? Real men don't need guns. So, what's the latest on string theory? Why do we have a Federal Reserve, instead of a Central Bank? Are we going to use Relocational Astrology again this year to select our birthday vacation locales?
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