18 Dec 08 - SpicaBooks.Com/Fun_Words.html Copyright 2005-2008 by Andrew Homer - Webmeister StarHeart Web Designs Fun With Words

I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. I told them that I was suicidal. They got all excited ... and asked if I could drive a truck.

* It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include: Herman 's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends. The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now. Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver The Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom. Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. Abba -- Denture Queen. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. Leslie Gore -- It 's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To. And my favorite: Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again.

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's {2005} winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth exlodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European nation rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.